The Gift of Singleness

There’s always that one person who can’t keep a gift a secret. In my family, I’m that person. (In my defense, I only hint around at what I got someone and make them try to guess, but apparently that still keeps me out of the loop when it comes to surprises for others.) Despite my ability to keep something to myself, I still love the process of gift-giving. Spending hours shopping for the perfect gift and finally finding it fills me with joy because I know the person receiving it is going to feel thought of, loved, and cared for when they open it. As much as I love giving gifts, I struggle accepting them, especially when it’s something I didn’t ask for. 

Throughout my life I’ve only ever viewed my singleness as a trial to be endured, never a gift that was so graciously given to me. Being 22 and living every one of those years single has led me to believe things about myself and my relationship status that hurt me more than they helped me. I allowed society, my past, and all of my mistakes to define my life, and in turn “single” became more than just a relationship status, it became the title of a long list of labels I carried around everywhere I went. 

No one will ever love you for you. 

You’re not good enough.

You’ve made too many mistakes in your past.

No one will ever love you like that.

Nothing’s ever worked out before, why would it now?

Maybe you’ve heard the same whispers in your ears or maybe you’ve been told different ones, but they all have one thing in common: they’re lies from the enemy meant to limit our lives, distort our perspectives, and ruin our relationships. He knows where it hurts, and the more we think these things about ourselves and our singleness, the bigger foothold we give the enemy and the more he’ll push our open wounds. 

Although there are days we may feel disappointed and frustrated because of our relationship status, it’s vital to remember our season of singleness is a gift from our Heavenly Father, not a trial meant to rip us apart. For many of us, this is only a season in our life. A time in which we can choose to fully devote ourselves to the Lord and not be anxious by the demands of marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:32) A season that gives us undistracted freedom to please Him, know Him, and find our purpose in Him. You see, who you are in your singleness doesn’t disappear when you enter a marriage. Knowing who you are in Christ and finding your identity in Him is the only foundation that will remain. You are complete because of Him, not because of someone else.

Just as it’s important to have the right perspective, knowing that Jesus calls our season of singleness a gift shows the true intentions of the Giver. (Matthew 19:11-12) He isn’t withholding your spouse just because He can, rather He’s working all things together for your good, His glory, and on His time. Rest in the promise that if He’s given you the desire in your heart to be married, He will fulfill that desire if you delight yourself in Him. (Psalm 37:4) You are loved, seen, chosen and made complete by the One who gave His life to save you. Fight for your identity because it rests in Him and Him alone, and cast out any thought or fear that tells you otherwise. Your season of singleness is a gift given by the ultimate Giver, and every good and perfect gift is from above. (James 1:17)

With love,

Miranda

You Got It

Growing up an only child meant spending most of my time alone. My parents would play games with me occasionally but I mostly remember being told “After I finish this” or “I don’t like watching cartoons”. That meant playing and creating my own world. However, it also planted the subconscious belief that other people's wants, needs, and priorities will always be above mine. Taking care of others isn’t a bad thing, but I had no clue what taking care of myself even looked like. Starting college and being a chronic people pleaser proved to be more damaging than good. My film peers were sure of themselves and confident, already having pinpointed what they were good at. I, on the other hand, was seeing everything for the first time ever, and it was hard to feel adequate or good at anything. I spent most of my first semester standing around waiting for someone to need help with something and it got so boring because I realized no one needed anything. For the first time it was expected of me to have my own projects, thoughts, and opinions without the fear of someone else’s priorities. It felt good to be valued and thought of as an individual and not just other people’s advice giver.

I had spent all this time being understanding and accommodating, trying not to be a burden. Meaning none of my needs were ever a priority for myself. It took many nights crying and countless therapy sessions to figure out why I was so unhappy. It also took strengthening my relationship with the Lord in order to find how I should be treating myself. Ephesians 5:29 is a verse I have written in many of my journals, it reads “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it, just as Christ does the church.” It isn’t selfish to take time by yourself or to learn what things make you anxious. It’s ok to have a safe space to unwind and spend time with the Lord. You can say no, and set clear boundaries. Taking time for myself hasn’t made me any less of a loving person. I still jump at the chance to help someone but now I know how to help in a way that makes me feel fulfilled and loved.

Often I think we expect to get things right on the first try and as obvious as it sounds we were not made to be perfect. It’s ok for things to not go the way you or anyone else had planned, because it isn’t our plan anyways. It’s God’s plan. Keeping that in mind has kept me from panic attacks more times than I can count. Learning that things are not in my control has turned time that I would usually spend stressed into time finding ways to cope with that stress. Through everything the Lord has been my best and sometimes my only positive support system. “Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand” Isaiah 41:10. When in doubt look to the Lord for comfort and for support.

Taking the time to check in on myself has forced me to come face to face with insecurities I didn’t know I had before. It’s difficult when you get older and you realize what your weaknesses are, it can be easy to dwell and compare yourself to others. I don’t finish projects that I start, I’m awful with deadlines, I'm jealous, I'm sensitive, sometimes I talk too much or too little, but I am loved. Jesus loves me “for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, wonderful are his works; my soul knows it very well” Psalm 139:14. I encourage you to take a look inside and see if you're treating yourself with the respect and sympathy that you would have for others.  

With love, Emily